It's been two weeks since I started my final tapering off of Valium.

I'm so close to benzo freedom, I can taste it, feel it, envision it. Let me tell you, benzo freedom tastes a whole lot better than the bitter drug water I drink every night!

Here's a quick recap of how I got to where I am today.

I started a crossover from Xanax to Valium back in September 2006. I switched to Valium because it has a much longer half-life than Xanax, and, therefore, fewer withdrawal effects between doses. I was taking about 3.0 mg of Xanax daily, or the equivalent of 60.0 mg of Valium. Once the crossover was complete at the end of November, I started to decrease my dose by anywhere between 1.0 and 5.0 mg every few weeks.

I'd decrease on a Thursday by whatever amount I felt was possible -- less when I was overwhelmed or really anxious, more when I was feeling stronger. By the following Sunday after a "dry cut" (decreasing dose by using a pill cutter), I'd really start to feel the effects. It's strange. It was almost always exactly three days when I'd feel the worst. Also, Thursday was the best day to start a dry cut, because it meant my husband would be around on the weekend to help talk me through the start of that cut's withdrawals. It helps to have a great support person around when you decide to make a cut.

I had a lot of withdrawal effects as I got lower and lower in dosage. I hit a plateau around 9.0 mg, and another around 5.0 or 6.0 mg. That means I tried to stabilize at these doses for as long as it took to start feeling better again. Of course, when I say "better again," remember this is all relative! We're talking "Benzo Withdrawal Better." That's a whole lot worse than a person not on benzo would feel. But, nevertheless, I would eventually start to see "improvement" at each new dose!

Finally, once I reached 4.0 mg (2.0 mg morning and night), I just couldn't go on with dry cutting. I would start feeling the withdrawal effects much sooner than the usual three day grace period! (Usually within 24 hours.) That's when I knew I must start tapering using the water titration method. The only way I could go under 4.0 mg was to suspend a 2.0 mg pill in some water and drink a partial volume each day. (I still took a 2.0 mg pill each night.) While water tapering, I decrease the dose by only about 2.0 percent each day. It's slow this way, but that's exactly what benzodiazepine withdrawal should be -- as they say, slow and steady wins the race!

I decreased from 4.0 mg to 2.0 mg by the end of May 2007. I'll tell you, it wasn't easy. It was much less traumatic than dry cutting, but still, it was a huge psychological adjustment. There's no denying it. I wish I could say it was effortless. I really wish I had known that it was going to get worse before it got better. Live and learn, I guess. Yet, despite every fear I have faced and every physical pain I've endured, deciding to quit benzos was the greatest decision I've ever made. I'll never regret this leap of faith I took.

I stabilized at 2.0 mg for two months; I held steady. Many people who are very familiar with benzo withdrawal would say holding at a dose for two months is too long. The longer one stays at the same dose, the greater the chance one can become tolerant yet again. Then, once tolerant, whether one is holding at a dose or not, one will start to feel withdrawal effects between doses. For me, interdose withdrawal manifested itself as moodiness, agitation, intolerance, rage, panic, depression, lethargy, vertigo... the list is long. Is there any wonder my psychiatrist thought I was no longer only suffering from panic disorder with agoraphobia? To him, I appeared to fit the diagnosis of bipolar II, ultra-rapid cycling. To me, too. To everyone, in fact. But, it's amazing -- being almost medication-free, I no longer exhibit such symptoms. I really have to wonder how much my medications first prescribed for panic attacks ultimately transformed my primary diagnosis into something it wasn't.

Back to the tapering: Finally around the last part of June, first part of July, I started feeling so much better. I was still exhausted, but at the same time, I was more positive, more confident, and much less panicky. My dreams were less vivid and violent. My dreams are really my own personal gauge of "How I'm Doing." If I am dreaming of being chased and violated, then I am in active withdrawal. If I dream I am on a plane without my medication and I panic, then I am in the active stage of withdrawal. If I wake up in a panic, I'm not ready to make another decrease. I need to hold steady until I fall asleep without any help from sleeping aids (like Benadryl, melatonin, or Calms Forte). I agree with the withdrawal experts that relying on sleeping aids -- natural or not -- is not a good strategy. But sometimes this is the only way I can remain functional. Sometimes we need a little help, and as long as it's only for a few days, it's okay.

So after some days of feeling well and having more tranquil sleep, I knew I was finally ready to leave third base and head for home!

I have prepared myself well for this last stretch. I asked my husband to take over the majority of the family chores. He agreed to cook, pick up food, clean up, take care of the pets, shop -- anything and everything. I cleared my calendar once again (except for my coaching sessions by phone). I did away with as many obligations as I needed to make this last step as easy as possible for myself.

The first couple of days were not too bad. Then, as expected, around the third day I started feeling a bit of the "tight chest." My dreams became more graphic and frightening. The one thing different this time is that I haven't panicked. I'm anxious sometimes, but I'm not panicking. I even went out to a couple of restaurants since starting the final taper. I did well! No serious panic surges. A little bit of the swallowing thing (when I get nervous, it's hard for me to swallow food), but other than that, I actually had a good time!

Last night, I drank 72 ml of drug water. I tossed out 28 ml. That means, as of yesterday, I only ingested 1.44 mg of Valium. Can you believe it? I am so proud of myself I could just do a little dance! But again, the best part is that I feel better! I am not ready to get on a plane or anything, but I honestly feel better. I am less tired, less moody, less anxious. My dreams are still whacked, but that's a small, temporary price to pay. And, usually it's not until around 10 or 11:00 PM that I remember to get my "chemistry set" out and concoct my drug water. I am starting to not associate myself with medication. For many weeks now, I have left the house (usually with my husband, but it's still a good start) without any "emergency benzos" hidden in my purse, panties, or socks. I would have never believed I could leave my house without medication. Never.

I still have about three weeks of tapering. Three weeks! That's nothing after 18 years of medication. I expect I'll have some set back at times. That's okay because I realize benzo withdrawal and healing from psychotropic meds is not a linear process. The healing journey may not be perfectly linear, but the general direction is consistent!

Don't Look Back!

I am heading towards a life less affected by external manipulation. I am no longer going to consistently demonstrate behavior and thoughts that are not organic to me! Just think. Within a month, everything I perceive, everything I think and do, all of it will be generated by me, myself, and I. No longer will I behave or feel a certain way because it's a side effect of medication.

I can't wait to see how the real me thinks, acts, responds, and reacts... It's a brand new discovery so worth the price of admission. I'd rather feel the effects of withdrawal for a few months or years than exist the way I did while ingesting (dutifully and hopefully) my "medication cocktail" of Seroquel, Lexapro, Trileptal, Xanax, and Klonopin.

If I had to do it over, I would have started my drug cocktail tapering with the benzodiazepines. I started my withdrawal process with the Trileptal. Next was the Lexapro. Third was the Seroquel. Fourth was the Klonopin. I have to wonder if some of the benzo withdrawal pain would have been ameliorated by having some of the mood stabilizer/antidepressant/antipsychotic on board? Well, that's water under the bridge, thank the universe.

I am just so grateful this process is nearly over that I can hardly contain myself. I feel so proud of myself! The most important message: if I can do it, anyone can. Incremental change is sometimes so hard for me (or anyone) to swallow. But even the smallest increments eventually add up to one huge difference!